Anguish
by kirmit
Summary: Jasper needs vengance for the wrongful death of his true love. But who's to blame? Rated M for violence, disturbing imagry and language. Entry for the Black Balloon contest.


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**The Black Balloon Contest**

**Title: Anguish**

**Your pen name: kirmit**

**Characters: Jasper, Alice, Bella, Charlie**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or Allie and Noah. Never have... never will. *sighs***

**To see other entries in the Black Balloon Contest, please visit the C2 page: ****http://www (dot) fanfiction (dot) net/c2/78669/3/0/1/**

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**A/N: **This is by far the hardest thing I have ever had to write, and I did it for the black balloon contest... And to make MaleficentKnits and LambCullen cry ;). I hope to hell that y'all like it.

**Warning: (read it, I mean it) This is a tragedy, in the Shakespearean sense of the word. If you don't know what I am talking about, wiki it. It's dark, angsty, and not my usual bag of tricks, not fluffy, NO HEA. There is also sensitive subjects talked about here, if that is disturbing to you go ahead and click that x. **

**Thank you to my beautiful betas MaleficentKnits and Makkitotosimew. And my super amazing prereaders Daydreamingaway, 911turbowriter and Calin_Durus. I love you all!**

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**an·guish (n) excruciating or acute distress, suffering, or pain: the anguish of grief.**

There are people in this world who do not deserve the atoms that were combined to create them. Pettiness and lies are not beneath some people; they feed on pain. They enjoy and thrive on hurting others.

Isabella Swan and her group of followers were some of these people. She came to Forks a few years ago from Arizona, and at first, she seemed like a sweet girl. She got a ton of attention and everyone thought she was cool because, let's face it, we don't get many new people here and, even though she wasn't really all that beautiful, compared to most the cows here, she was downright exotic.

Then someone truly exotic arrived in Forks and stole her spotlight. This made Isabella – Bella, as she preferred – angry. Bella and the group of girls who were jealous of Alice's beauty, radiance, designer clothes, and general upbeat attitude made it their mission to destroy this poor girl.

I had lived in this town since I was eleven years old. I was quite accustomed to the pomp and circumstance, having experienced it firsthand. Thankfully, I'm a rather boring guy, so other than the occasional girl throwing herself at me, I pretty much flew under the radar.

That was until Bella came to town and made it her mission to do just about every guy here. That sweet and innocent girl act lasted a few weeks – literally – and then we found out the real reason her mother sent her to live up here. Little, mousy Isabella was out of control, and all the new-found popularity she received here really went to her head.

After Bella had a few notches in her bedpost, she came after me. Thankfully I have both class and taste; I turned her down in favor of something a little -okay, who are we kidding here – a lot better.

Sweet little Alice Cullen. I fell for her the minute I laid eyes on her, and we became inseparable. I lived in bliss for two years with her. I didn't know where I ended and she began; we were one. We were both not that fond of public displays of affection and loved to read together. It made for a much less physical relationship than your typical high school love affair, but I was content with it.

Not that we didn't have a physical relationship, oh no, we did. I loved every slight curve of her body and showed her how much many times. She smelled like apples and cinnamon and tasted so, so sweet; the way her body felt pressed against mine was bliss. When I took her innocence, it was the most amazingly real and intense feeling I have ever experienced in my life.

I began planning my whole life with her. I even told her that we'd be like Allie and Noah, dying on the same day. I could tell that she loved that idea; I did too. I never wanted to live without her. I could never live in a world where Alice Cullen didn't exist.

Unfortunately, Alice wasn't so content with just me and her. She had always been outgoing, had always had friends. At her former schools, her spiky black hair, exotic looks, and up-to-the-minute fashion sense made her quite popular. Here, however, it made her stand out. And standing out at Forks High School was a very, very bad thing.

Especially since the queen of the school thought she was a freak. And no one, especially in high school, wants to cross the queen bee.

I can't tell you how many times I found my love in tears because they stole her clothes or screamed out that there was a boy in the locker room in gym class. They would call her a dyke and push her around because she was so little and had short hair. They tripped her in the hall, put manure in her locker, and even told the principal they thought she was on drugs just to make her life that much harder.

I knew that she took these things hard, and I also knew there were things that she wouldn't tell me. Never in my wildest dreams did I think it would lead to this.

I watched as the minister's lips moved, but heard no sound. I could hear nothing but a buzzing in my ears. I felt hollow, dead. I didn't even get to see her one last time. I didn't get to say goodbye. At the wake, I refused to look inside the coffin. I couldn't; I made it halfway up the aisle of the church before I broke down.

People talked about her, said eulogies. I watched their lips move, but heard nothing. I felt people bump into me. I knew they would say something to me, but I could not form words to speak back to them. We drove to the cemetery where she would be buried and the minister spoke again – I think it was a prayer – and afterward her parents approached me. I tried as hard as I could, but I couldn't hear the words they spoke until her father said, "Alice left a letter addressed to you," and placed a sealed envelope in my hand.

After that, I was alone. I knew I was supposed to follow and go to some lunch thing at the Cullens' house. I couldn't do it; being in her house without her there would be too much for me. I watched as the workmen began lowering her coffin into the dirt hole and felt my heart clench in my chest. "Wait!" I had found my voice.

The workmen looked at me, rather surprised, but stopped lowering her coffin. I ran over to them and, before they could stop me, I lifted the lid to look upon the love of my life one last time. Even in death, she was beautiful, her black lashes fanned out against her pale cheeks, her lips soft and pouty-looking. I leaned down and placed a kiss on those lips.

So cold.

I was no prince, she was no cursed princess, and we weren't in a fairytale. She wouldn't awake from this sleep, this nightmare. _I will join you soon, my love. _A promise sealed with another kiss. After I closed the lid, I backed away, wondering if I crawled into the hole after her, if they would bury me too.

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_Death doesn't discriminate. It takes as many souls as it can._

"Hey kid, time to leave," one of the workmen said. I looked up at him but barely saw him. Before I realized what I was doing, I found myself walking slowly toward my car, the letter still clutched in my hand. I drove to her house on autopilot. This part of Washington is sparsely populated; I was in no danger of killing anyone the way I was driving.

Once at my destination, I walked through the door. I could hear people talking; there were lots of people, but I ignored them all and went straight up the stairs to her room.

Alice's room was painted a lovely shade of blue, the same color as her eyes. Her furniture was all chic and dark wood, her bed was both luxurious and comfortable. We spent as much time in this bed, cuddling, kissing, and making love as we did just sitting together and reading.

I could still hear her laughter echoing off the walls as I tickled her or told her a joke. I could still see the way her smile touched her eyes and made them sparkle. The way her eyes would give way to lust right before we would end up giving into our passions.

I smiled at the memory of her rumpled hair and her glowing skin right after we made love. She always looked so beautiful, so happy, so complete. I was as well; I had lost my virginity long before Alice came into town, but never had I thought I could feel something like this. We always clung to each other like life preservers afterward, trying not to drown in the depth of our emotions for each other.

_How could you leave me, Alice? How come I didn't die too? We were supposed to die together!_

My anger and sadness engulfed me. Why haven't I died yet? Finally, I looked at the letter in my hand. My name had been scrawled out in her beautiful handwriting, so nicely, and she had placed a kiss to the side. I pressed my lips against the spot where hers had been, hoping to taste her, to feel her lips again.

It'd been too long; the memory of her lips was fading. I took a deep breath and opened the letter, careful not to rip it. Her tongue and lips had been on the envelope; I could not waste it. I unfolded the note and held my breath as I began reading.

_Jazz,_

_I love you more than words can say. You are my heart, my soul, my everything._

_And it is because of this that I had to let you go. I know you were unhappy with me, but you care so much that you stayed with me just so you wouldn't hurt me._

_Please... I don't want you to mourn me. I want you to live, go be with someone beautiful, who makes you happy. Someone like Bella. She told me about you two. I didn't want to believe her, but she just knows too much._

_I'm not angry with you, not at all. I'm sad that you thought you had to stay with me at your expense. I know you both will be really happy together and I wish you the best._

_I love you Jasper and I will never stop._

_Alice. _

The last bit enraged me. I could see the tears that fell on the paper. She believed Bella? Of all the people in the world, she believed her. A girl who was angry, jealous and bitter.

I couldn't be angry with my Alice though. They had broken her down, made her feel less about herself. She honestly believed I deserved better and told me so many, many times. She just could never understand: there was no better than her.

I pressed my lips to every drop, trying to kiss away her tears. It cut me so deep that she was hurting so badly. How did I miss it?

My last memory of her was in this room. I knew she had been down lately, but I couldn't figure out why. Well, I knew it was probably the same tramps that always hurt her, but I didn't know what they did nor would she tell me.

I decided not to push her. Now I wonder if it would've ended differently if I had. The guilt clawed at my very soul. I knew she was sad; she had even pushed away from my embrace. I forced a kiss upon her satin lips and, even though she resisted at first, she eventually relented, giving in to the kiss. When we broke apart, crystal tears rolled down her porcelain cheeks. I thought it was because she was feeling sad, but now I knew differently. She thought I was having a tryst with that ugly, disturbed nutcase that ruled our school.

I carefully put the note back into the envelope, kissing the print her lips made before I folded it in half and placed it inside my suit jacket. I had no desire to stay on this planet – not without Alice – but I had no idea how to follow my soul mate into the next world.

When she overdosed in her bathroom, she took every single drug she could find. She left me no sweet poison to let me follow her into the sweet abyss. My parents did not own guns and slicing your wrists open took too long.

I walked down the stairs and was almost immediately accosted by the girl I now loathed with every fiber of my being.

"Hi, Jasper," she giggled, twirling a brown lock of hair around her finger. It was her fault Alice was dead and she had the nerve to show up at her house?

"What do you want?" I responded in a cold, curt voice.

"Oh. You're really sad she's gone?" She looked incredulous. "She was so annoying."

I narrowed my eyes at her, but, due to my upbringing, I held my tongue. She continued, "We can be together now that she's out of the way though!" She actually seemed to believe whatever lies she had told the love of my life.

"What did you tell my Alice?" I asked, the anger in me flaring up, but I managed to keep my tone in check.

She giggled. _Deep breaths, Jasper, deep breaths_. The voice in my head sounded like Alice. Maybe she was here, in my head and around me. "I told her that you wanted me and I wanted you, but you wouldn't cheat on someone." She smiled her perfectly straight smile at me. "Don't you remember that one time, Jasper? You showed me your scars. You said that I was sweet and that-"

I cut her off. I had told her she was sweet and that she should think more for herself before I actually knew her. "You disgust me. I want nothing to do with you," I snarled before I left. Standing in Alice's house with people who were obviously not mourning her loss was suffocating me.

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I didn't go to school. I hadn't after I heard she died either. Even now, after the funeral, I couldn't go. School held no joy for me and having to see her murderers would be torture. I only ate when my mother forced food in me. I didn't come out of my room. When Carlisle and Esme – Alice's parents – came to visit me, they brought me some of her belongings. I slept with them, and every night I would visit her grave and lay on top of the fresh mound of dirt and sob and pray to die.

My parents sent me to a shrink; I was supposed to talk about my feelings. What they didn't comprehend is I could no longer talk at all, let alone talk about my feelings. My hope, my joy, my reason, my light, my soul, my love was gone. I was merely an empty shell of an almost grown man staring at the wall between periods of despair.

After a week, Bella returned to try and coax me out of hiding or into being with her or whatever. Did she really think my love for Alice was that disposable? That I would run into her killer's arms?

It had been thirty thousand two hundred forty-six minutes since the last time I saw Alice. Maybe I was left here to carry out Alice's justice... to right a wrong. A plot began to form in my head. My parents were going to be out of town for the weekend and, while they were uneasy about leaving me to my own devices, the Cullens promised to check in on me and I had no interest in going on vacation with them.

The minute my parents left, I invited Bella over – she was overjoyed at the invitation. I prepared the basement for her arrival. I was cold; I felt no remorse over what I was planning nor did I feel guilt. She deserved this punishment. She deserved this for taking the love of my life away from me.

She arrived wearing something I had seen her go to a party in once. It was revealing and she looked like a slut, which I guess was the point. I led her to the basement with her hanging all over me and I almost felt sorry for her. She really was just as pathetic as she was revolting.

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Bella looked confused once we reached our destination. I let her wander around while I grabbed the metal baseball bat I had leaning against the wall. "Where's your bed?" she asked, turning to face me.

"You actually think I would want to sleep with you?" I asked, trying my best to keep my tone even.

Her eyes dropped down to the bat I swung lazily in my hand and widened when it dawned on her. "Jasper..." she whispered, backing away from me slowly.

"You killed the one person I ever truly loved, Bella." I took a calculated step closer – if she tried to run for the door I could swing the bat and incapacitate her.

She shook her head vigorously from side to side, her eyes darting over my shoulder to her only exit. I took another step closer, the rage inside boiling as I looked at her terrified face. "All she wanted was someone to be friends with, someone to shop with..." I stopped swinging the bat and tightened my grip on the handle.

She feinted to the left and tried to run around my right side, but I was too quick for her. I switched hands and, with a sickening crack, the bat met her knees and she crumbled to the ground with a scream of pain. She looked up at me with terrified eyes and I stared down at her with loathing and malice. "I loved her..." I said quietly and for once Bella nodded, tears filling her eyes.

"I was going to marry her!" I roared, swinging the bat and connecting with her side, the sound of her pain easing the ache in my heart.

"I'm sorry!" she screamed.

I shook my head and crouched down. "It's too late for that."

"Please don't kill me..." she whispered, tears streaming down her face.

I stood then and saw relief spread across her face. "I had so much planned for our future... And you took that all away," I explained quietly before swinging the bat once more against her side.

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The bat in my hand was coated in blood; _I_ was coated in blood. There was so much red. Bella Swan's blood coated the walls and floor and she lay there in a pile of her own blood and viscera. Bits of brain matter glistened with shards of bone like jewels splattered against one wall. I had every intention of torturing her for longer, every cry of pain sending a thrill to my heart, but something inside of me felt slight pangs of guilt for what I was doing. She begged for mercy and, in the end, I gave it to her.

I stood there and looked down upon the carnage, waiting for the full waves guilt to hit me, but they never came. My last words to Bella before I ended her short and malicious life rang through my head over and over again: "I am death."

Afterward, I called the police and told the Chief I killed his whore of a daughter and to come get her. I sat on the porch with the bat and waited for them in the rain, letting the cool drops of water run down my face and wash the blood from my skin. They arrived in a swirl of blazing sirens and blue and red lights. I looked up and they had their guns drawn and pointed at me, their figures blurred by the sheets of rain that fell all around us.

_Jasper, what are you doing?_ The voice in my head was back. I looked over one of the officer's shoulders and saw her. _Alice._ I stood up to rush towards the mirage.

"Jasper, put down the bat," a calm voice said over the thunderous megaphone, breaking through the joy of seeing my angel.

_Jasper, if you don't put down the bat, they will shoot you_, Alice said in my head. The vision of her glimmered just beyond my reach as I stepped closer.

"Stop and put down the bat, son." I stopped and looked at the pudgy man with the megaphone, irritated.

_Jasper, do what they say._ Her voice was panicky. I turned back and smiled at the illusion of her.

_Alice, I NEED to be with you._ I walked closer, ignoring the gestures between the officers.

_If you charge, them they will kill you_. Her voice was soft and then she disappeared. I looked around, trying to find her again. Her disappearance cut deep into my soul. She was gone. She left me again, taking her hope, her happiness, her love with her. I was once again blanketed in despair; I was alone. I spun around to look for her before screaming out in pain at my loss.

The guy with the megaphone appeared to be talking; his lips were moving. The rain that was coming down was tumultuous, yet I barely felt it. I looked at the half dozen or so police officers. They looked nervous and afraid... Afraid of me. One was pointing a gun at me; I roared and ran at him, swinging the bat up in the air.

The piercing sensation in my chest hurt and knocked the wind out of me. I took another step forward and another bullet went through me, knocking me to the ground. My ears were ringing. I could hear a commotion outside my thoughts. I pressed a hand to my chest and looked down at it. Blood. It was racing through the wounds and spilling through my fingers. I smiled as I looked back up at the officer who had fired the shots.

"Thank you." I fell back and felt the rain's icy embrace.

_Jasper! _Alice's voice cried out in my mind one more time.

_We'll be together again soon, my love_. Everything went blurry. I couldn't see, I couldn't hear above my own strangled breathing. I was choking on my own blood. I suddenly felt a calm wash over me and I saw my beloved smiling at me, ethereal and beautiful, arms open wide welcoming me.

_Forever_.

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**Endnote: **_*sobs* _See why that was the hardest thing I have ever written? Leave me some love...Maybe?


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